All 5 of Dairy Queen’s Burgers Have the Same Problem

Before I launch into my rankings, I must say, right off the bat, that these burgers all shared a critical problem: the beef itself. I hate being so straightforward—I always dive into new menu items with optimism—but I’ve just got to say it. The beef is terrible.

All of Dairy Queen’s Stackburgers feature pale beef with a strange, slightly springy texture that reminds me somewhat of breakfast sausage. There’s no flavor to the meat itself; it contains hardly any of the savory qualities I normally crave from a beef burger. I’m struggling to figure out why. The menu describes these as 100% seasoned real beef patties, but somehow, they’re devoid of beef’s typical personality.

The Two Cheese Deluxe features American cheese, white cheddar, bacon, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, pickles, ketchup, and mayo. You can see how sad that white cheddar got, quickly, and I’d just received the order. It turned into a sweaty, chewy slice of dairy that dragged the whole thing down.

This was my least favorite Stackburger. Beyond the lackluster cheese, the rest of the toppings struggle to give the burger any distinguishing qualities.

Here’s where stuff gets kind of dismal. See that beef? You can see just how dry it is in that picture. I promise I’m not exaggerating. It’s even curled up around the edges.

If American cheese, white cheddar, bacon, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, pickles, ketchup, and mayo can’t rescue a burger, you’re in a world of trouble. Just as we saw with the Two Cheese Deluxe, the white cheddar in this burger has issues. I don’t know what its deal is, but it’s so mild I mistook it as Swiss until I reread the description. Cheddar isn’t a good melting cheese, which means when this burger cooled off, the cheese was immediately rubbery and almost flavorless. Bacon didn’t salvage the combination here.

Chalk this one up to personal preference, but spicy burgers are hit or miss for me. The FlameThrower Stackburger features Pepper Jack, bacon, lettuce, tomato, onion, and an orange-colored spicy FlameThrower sauce. Considering this beef needs all the help it can get, even the bold FlameThrower sauce didn’t quite do the job.

It has an admirable kick to it, but a slightly acrid manufactured aftertaste that I can’t say I enjoyed very much. For what it’s worth, one of the DQ employees said that the FlameThrower was her favorite out of all five Stackburgers.

The simple Original Cheeseburger is a double cheeseburger with American cheese, pickles, ketchup, and mustard. That’s it. Knowing my own preferences, I’m actually kind of shocked that a standard burger build was among my favorites, since it has no bells and whistles on it. But then again, nothing about the DQ Stackburger experience was what I expected it to be.

If there’s any plus side with these Stackburgers, it’s the sharp American cheese. It has some pretty great flavor, and does a ton of heavy lifting for every Stackburger that includes it. Consequently, you really don’t need many condiments. The Original Cheeseburger comes in second for me, but it’s a close second.

The Loaded A.1. Stackburger was by far my favorite of DQ’s new burgers, mostly because the toppings make up for the lack of beefiness at its core. I really love A.1. steak sauce for its complex tart, savory, flavor, which can turn a cheap cut of steak into a five-star one, and it handily pole-vaults this Stackburger into first place.

The onion rings add a touch of crunch and complementary allium flavor, and the sharp American cheese packs a good tangy punch. I can usually take or leave bacon on a burger, but considering it adds another layer of flavor here, it’s pretty welcome. The peppercorn sauce was mysteriously missing from this one, but if it had been there, I’m sure it would have helped out quite a bit as well. I like this overall flavor combination enough that when grilling season comes around, I might even make my own homemade version.

Without a decent burger patty as a foundation, no matter how nice the toppings are, you can’t really do much to make a bad burger good. I realize that a lot of people think the bar is low for fast food beef, but chains like Culver’s make a pretty compelling argument that it doesn’t have to be that way. I firmly believe there can be great burgers even from massive chains like McDonald’s, where fresh beef in the Quarter Pounders makes a world of difference. I’m holding out hope that the Stackburger gets the beef upgrade it deserves.

So, with all of this in mind, you might still want to stick to chicken tenders on your next DQ run. And treat yourself to some soft serve or a Blizzard, too, because that’s probably what drew you to Dairy Queen in the first place.